Single...by choice

I wrote this post awhile ago.  I saved it as a draft and was re-reading today.  I think it actually may be worth posting.

A few weekends ago, I attended a picnic and was talking to some folks there about my experience at the mall the previous day. I try not to go into the mall often...but I had an appointment at the Clinique counter at Boston Store for a "make over" and I was early. Can I come back in 20 minutes? Sure, might as well go to Rogers & Holland to see about replacing my watch battery. My watch happens to be a Movado so battery replacement is not a task the jewelry store can handle -- they must send it out. Which means a wait. And an expense. $65 to be exact for the battery. Well, since I'm going to be without it anyway what else can be done? High-polish for $90? Sure, might as well make the watch look new again.

And back to the Boston Store I head...my Clinique gal is still busy (it was the weekend of prom)...can I come back in about 15 minutes? Sure, might as well head to the shoe department. Where I proceed to buy 2 pair of shoes -- I did have the all-day shopping pass (20% off) but of course, it didn't work on the one pair of not inexpensive Coach sandals that fit and feel so great on my feet which could not be passed up. So, $350 worth of shoes later I head back to Clinique...where my gal is ready for me.

Of course, it being her last day at Clinique, I have to make a few purchases of my essentials and the new items she's tried on my face...which amounts to about $200 worth of product. Honestly, that's not an all-time high at the counter for me.

So all total, my shopping excursion for the day has cost roughly $700. It's only money, you can't take it with you but more importantly it's for a good cause -- ME.

Which is the statement I make at the picnic...which in turn, gets an immediate comment (from a man of course): "No wonder you're still single! It's because you're so high maintenance!" Which of course, makes all the other men around laugh. But makes me pause for a moment...and before I can even respond...my cousin pipes up with "She's not high maintenance -- she buys all these thing for herself and has never asked anyone to but things for her -- she is the least high-maintenance person I know". That made me smile. I then responded (after thanking my cousin) with: "As for high maintenance, I feel I'm special enough to be treated to nice things which I have the ability and means to purchase for myself...I've not found the man yet who understands that about anyone but himself. Men can treat themselves to their 'toys' - cars, motorcycles, etc. But women aren't allowed to treat themselves to their own 'toys' - shoes, clothes, spa days, etc. without being labeled 'high-maintenance'. I've not found a man yet who is 'man enough' to handle the fact that I make a decent living. Which means I can afford to buy my 'toys' or enjoy a $75 bottle of wine or tip extremely well or hire a lawn service. You find me a man who truly is secure enough with himself to be comfortable knowing the woman he's with makes more money than he does -- not just giving lip-service to saying it -- then maybe, just maybe..I'd consider being 'unsingle'."

That quieted the male crowed quite handily.

Drama

I am not a fan of drama.  I do not like to create drama.  I steer clear of drama as much as possible.  Lately, that's been a difficult thing as I navigate the road of life...I'm encountering drama at work, with family, in my own personal life.  To me, this is unacceptable.  Yet, how do I stop it?  I don't.  Which brings me to my control issues.  I like control.  I like having it.  I like being the person with control.  Drama to me, means no control.  When I have no control I get irritated.  When I get irritated, I raise my voice.  When I raise my voice, it creates drama.  Sigh.  It's a vicious circle that apparently I have the power to fix.  I am realizing that while I may dislike drama, there are times when I am the one to cause it -- because I've lost control.  Of me. 

The Power of Habit

I started reading a new book...The Power of Habit, Why We Do What We Do In Life and Business by Charles Duhigg.  I bought it with the hopes of discovering some light bulb moment for how I can change my own habits around eating, exercising, etc...all those things I don't do well but I'm working on improving.  It's an interesting read so far...mainly because I thought I could just CHANGE and it would become a habit...but I'm realizing as I read the book is very correct -- habits cannot be eradicated, instead they must be replaced.  And the Golden Rule of habit change:  If we keep the same cue and the same reward, a new routine can be inserted.  However, the piece I think I've been missing (and probably many others miss) in order for a habit to stay changed -- I must believe that change is possible.  Belief.  And most often, belief emerges with the help of a group.  So, I am on the road to weight loss by finding an alternative route...and I've committed to a group at work, Team Teal in our Biggest Loser challenge.  I'm not "dieting" -- I'm really eating WELL and as such, I'm eating less.  I'm not obsessing (as I typically do) and overextending myself with exercise but m incorporating exercise into my daily habit.  I get home from work, change my clothes, head to the gym...The reward of my workouts is the rush I feel at the accomplishment of running that mile, mile and a half, 2 miles...pushing my body to lift those weights and feeling the rush.  And I've got Team Teal to help me believe I can.  Together, we are changing habits and believing in ourselves.

Anticipation...

Wow, it's been a very long time. Very appropriate that my first post in 2 years is about anticipation.

Lately I have been experience a lot of anticipation...lots of discussion about anticipation and going through the emotion of anticipation. Webster's defines anticipation as "the act of looking forward; especially : pleasurable expectation" or "visualization of a future event or state"...in my situation either or both of those apply. Pleasurable expectation. I like that. Yes, I have have been in a "pleasurable expectation" state quite a bit in the last few weeks. And more to come...apparently, tax season means I have to visualize that future event or state that will bring me to a "pleasurable expectation". Heh. I even like saying that. Pleasurable. Expectation.

So while I wait, I am using this anticipatory period as a catalyst. A catalyst to induce change in myself. I am working out more. I am eating better. I am tracking what I am doing. I am getting healthy. Because I want that pleasurable expectation to live up to all the expectations I have...all that I am anticipating...and damn, it feels good to be here right now!

10/10/10

Happy Binary Day...yea, being a computer dork I'm allowed to say that...and it won't be our last this year! Tomorrow is another...and next month we get a couple too...how fun!

So it's been almost a year since I posted anything here...I'm not a very good blogger...and I'm okay with that. Lots of stuff went on in the last year and yet sometimes I feel that not much has happened at all...my biggest good thing is I'm not feeling lonely right now...and that is always a good thing. I've actually been feeling pretty good and positive lately which, for anyone that knows me, is a real switch for me...I'm usually so pessimistic...but for the time being, I'm optimistic about quite a bit...and I rather like the feeling. This in no way means I'm turning away from my Bitchalicious and Bitch-On-Heels attitudes...oh no no no...it just means I may have a smile on my face more often that makes you wonder what the heck I'm up to...

Out of sorts

I'm feeling out of sorts lately...not physically per se (although yes, this week I'm a bit under the weather)...but more out of sorts about me. I'm not enjoying myself much lately...not enjoying me. And usually, I'm pretty happy spending time with me. But lately, I find I have these pangs of loneliness that overwhelm me...but for what I pine, I do not know. I realize this is a tough time of year for me...the holidays don't make me as happy as they once did...I miss family that is no longer with me - those who have departed this world and those who just live too damn far away. I'm okay that I'm alone...that's a choice I've made and is really not a feeling...it's my option as to what is best for my life. So for me being alone is very different than "lonely"...and today, I'm just lonely...and missing something...almost like I'm missing a part of me. The full moon is not helping matters for me...

But, I am a Gemini...so I'm sure by the morning I'll probably be back to my normal bitch self...so I got that going for me. Which is nice.

Snowy Days

So we're back to getting snow here in the heartland...can I just say that I'm very tired of winter already and I know I've still got a long way to go. 13 inches of snow today is just a tad much for me though. I give thanks for my awesome neighbors though...Jack was out most of the early part of the day with his snowblower...the only thing I had to clear out today was the back deck so the dog had a place to do her bidness.

And speaking of my neighbors...Jack was first to visit me today while he was shoveling the front porch, I invited him in for some coffee and to warm up. We chitchatted for a bit. I have known for awhile (2 year almost now) that he and his wife really miss my stepmom. And today I learned that he thinks of me as a daughter. That was a really nice thing to hear...I appreciate and love my neighbors...I rely on them for quite a bit, I know I can count on them and I hope that they know they can count on me too. They are my "extra" parents. Jean came to see me after Jack's visit...it was great to have her over here too -- I know she doesn't like to come over often as she thinks that she's interrupting my homework but the thing is, I welcome the breaks! I keep telling her that too.

So that was my snow day...visits from my great neighbors to take my mind off homework for a little bit, a nice fire going, a great workout, feeling happy and content with where I am, and then some guilty pleasure (read: bad) movies...all in all, it was a really good day.