I was having an online discussion with a friend of mine the other day which got me to pondering about the things men and women say to another...but more importantly, how we as men and women INTERPRET what we hear. There are specific phrases we attach to already complete sentences in order to spare the other person's feelings -- well, in our minds it is to spare the other person's feelings. We may convince ourselves these tag-on phrases are sparing someone's feelings but I think in actuality these phrases are allowing "hope" for the other individual. An example: A male (or female, this is interchangeable of course) has a very good female (or male) friend, they have been friends for years. They enjoy spending time together hanging out, talking, but have never taken things to a dating or romantic level perhaps because they are both in relationships. At some point, they find now they are NOT in relationships. She expresses interest in him as more than "just a friend". He does not feel the same. BUT, rather than hurt his friend he says things like "I'm not ready for a commitment...AT THIS TIME" or "I'm not ready for that type of relationship with you...RIGHT NOW". Key phrases. "...at this time" and "...right now". In my opinion, those phrases leave the door open. They allow hope to creep in for the other person. While these phrases may make the person SAYING them feel they are being nice, not hurtful...they are not completely honest. Why do we have such a hard time being perfectly honest when we really have no intention of a romantic relationship with someone? Why do we add these tag-on lines which keep someone hanging? Is it less hurtful to lead someone on with a pseudo-true statement or are we making these tag-ons to make ourselves feel better?
I have been on the receiving end of these statements and I have also been on the giving end of these statements. The difficult thing as I think back on these situations -- as the receiver of these type of statements what did I allow myself to miss out on because I was "waiting" for this person who was never really going to be ready for me? How many opportunities did I say no to while I waited for someone else to want to be with me? As the giver of these statements, now I think about what did I make someone else miss out on by "leading him on" with my "at this time" line? And all because I didn't want to hurt someone or lose a friend.
Guess what? In both situations -- where I was the receiver and the giver -- those friendships ended. And not well. As the receiver, I was hurt more by finding out my friend had a serious relationship he did not tell me about in order to "spare my feelings". As the giver, I kept this man as my "Plan B" unfairly and the friendship badly. I have regrets in both of these losses -- it didn't have to end this way with either if only we had been perfectly up-front.
The statement is "I am not interested in a romantic relationship with you" PERIOD, no tagline, no tiptoeing around things. Honest. Forthright. It may sting the other person for a bit, but it's the right way to handle things. It's better than dragging things out and causing more anger and animosity.
Let's be honest. Let's be upfront. It is just that simple.
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