Fall

Happy Fall everyone...it was a long summer of trying to lose more weight and training with my running. Yes, I'm in training for a half-marathon now. Hopefully to hit one in November or December. Not sure where but that is my goal. And I'm at the 50 pound mark. I have 20 more to go...I keep saying 20 and that's what I want.  Oh, and I've been um, well, sheesh, dating? Yea, I guess it's dating. Is it? Maybe it is. If he'd get his own personal life straightened out we might be able to call it dating...long and complicated story I suppose. Goes against everything I have said I would do but I really do like this one and think maybe it could be a good thing. Maybe. He might have a lot of stuff to work through which means he's really not ready and if that is the case, well, it is what it is. So, here I am again...waiting for a man to come to some kind of decision about his own life that can affect mine. The difference this time - is that I have my own life and I'm really fine living it alone...he'd be a nice bonus, but if it's not meant to be -- well, I'm gonna be all right and this time I know I'm gonna be all right.

P.S.

I'm down to an 11 minute mile!  WOO HOO!

Ch..Ch..Ch..Changes....

40 pounds later and a Biggest Loser 2nd place finish...yea, changes are a-happenin'.  Lovin' being lighter and having a better attitude about me.  I took up running.  Couple of 5K's under my belt and trying to run daily (although the last week I've slacked in the heat)...who woulda thunk I'd really enjoy running. But yea, I really really do.  Really...

And there's a boy.  Isn't there always a boy?  They do seem to crop up in my life. This one is, well, different. Really? Different? What's so different about him...hm...he's not the typical boy in my life that's for sure. #1 he's got a job. #2 he's responsible. #2 he's a genuinely nice person. So...what's my problem?  Huh. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Amazing eh? Yup, pretty amazing. Not looking for the other shoe to drop. Not looking for a problem. Not looking for anything but to enjoy what's happening in my life right now.

Very amazing for me. I'm relaxed. I'm happy. I'm healthy. Life is GOOD.

At this time...

I was having an online discussion with a friend of mine the other day which got me to pondering about the things men and women say to another...but more importantly, how we as men and women INTERPRET what we hear.  There are specific phrases we attach to already complete sentences in order to spare the other person's feelings -- well, in our minds it is to spare the other person's feelings.  We may convince ourselves these tag-on phrases are sparing someone's feelings but I think in actuality these phrases are allowing "hope" for the other individual.  An example:  A male (or female, this is interchangeable of course) has a very good female (or male) friend, they have been friends for years.  They enjoy spending time together hanging out, talking, but have never taken things to a dating or romantic level perhaps because they are both in relationships.  At some point, they find now they are NOT in relationships.  She expresses interest in him as more than "just a friend".  He does not feel the same.  BUT, rather than hurt his friend he says things like "I'm not ready for a commitment...AT THIS TIME" or "I'm not ready for that type of relationship with you...RIGHT NOW".  Key phrases.  "...at this time" and "...right now".  In my opinion, those phrases leave the door open.  They allow hope to creep in for the other person. While these phrases may make the person SAYING them feel they are being nice, not hurtful...they are not completely honest.  Why do we have such a hard time being perfectly honest when we really have no intention of a romantic relationship with someone?  Why do we add these tag-on lines which keep someone hanging?  Is it less hurtful to lead someone on with a pseudo-true statement or are we making these tag-ons to make ourselves feel better? 

I have been on the receiving end of these statements and I have also been on the giving end of these statements.  The difficult thing as I think back on these situations -- as the receiver of these type of statements what did I allow myself to miss out on because I was "waiting" for this person who was never really going to be ready for me?  How many opportunities did I say no to while I waited for someone else to want to be with me?  As the giver of these statements, now I think about what did I make someone else miss out on by "leading him on" with my "at this time" line?  And all because I didn't want to hurt someone or lose a friend.

Guess what?  In both situations -- where I was the receiver and the giver -- those friendships ended.  And not well.  As the receiver, I was hurt more by finding out my friend had a serious relationship he did not tell me about in order to "spare my feelings".  As the giver, I kept this man as my "Plan B" unfairly and the friendship badly.  I have regrets in both of these losses -- it didn't have to end this way with either if only we had been perfectly up-front. 

The statement is "I am not interested in a romantic relationship with you" PERIOD, no tagline, no tiptoeing around things.  Honest. Forthright.  It may sting the other person for a bit, but it's the right way to handle things.  It's better than dragging things out and causing more anger and animosity.

Let's be honest.  Let's be upfront.  It is just that simple.

Another milestone...

Tomorrow is weigh-in day for our Biggest Loser contest at work...I definitely don't want to let Team Teal down.  While I ate well this week, I haven't felt that I've given it my all during my workouts.  So tonight, after my nail appointment, I decided to go kick my own ass.  And I hit a milestone for me.  I ran 3 miles at a pace of 13:00 per mile.  I've never cracked the 14 mark before...and tonight I cracked it BIG TIME.  My first mile was 12:45!  This is huge for me...especially since I've never been a runner in my life!  I also walked an additional mile for a total of 4 miles tonight.  I'm feeling really good about kicking my own ass tonight... :)

April 18th

This day has been a tough for me for 14 years.  You'd think that after so many years, the pain of this day would subside. For most of each year that is true...until April 18th arrives. Then the arrives and the memories of losing my Dad flood back in and fill me with sadness, longing and an ache in my heart.  I miss him daily...some more than others of course...but April 18th most of all.   I always take a vacation day on April 18th so I can visit the cemetery, spend time remembering and talking to him...and being alone the rest of the day with my thoughts.  This year is no different in taking the day off...in missing him...in visiting with him at the cemetery. But this year, I also spent some time with a friend today...sharing stories of my Dad and family.  Remembering Dad in this different way, by sharing the day and telling someone else who never knew my father a little bit about him, helped me as well.  My thoughts and stories were all good memories of DAD...not of this fateful DAY.  And that is the way it should be today...good memories of Dad, not that day 14 years ago.  I am thankful for my friend spending time with me and listening.  Today, of all days, was a very good day.

25 and counting...

Well, I'm weeks into our Biggest Loser contest at work but more importantly, I'm at the 25 pound loss mark since beginning my new habits on February 1st.  Today, at work, 3 people commented or asked about my weight loss and complimented me on how great I am looking...but that is NOT the important thing.  It's that I FEEL great!  I still have more to go...but this first 25 off is feeling GOOD...I'm not winded walking up the stairs.  I'm not feeling like I want more food at lunch or dinner.  My biggest 'feel good' about what I'm doing however, came last night...I was meeting up with a friend...got a text that we needed to push our time back a bit later.  Rather than going to sit at a bar or restaurant to wait...I hit the gym instead and worked out.  And I loved it -- not my usual gym so I got to use different equipment!  What a great feeling to WANT to work out...I am loving ME and all that I'm accomplishing right now.  Go ME!!

Single...by choice

I wrote this post awhile ago.  I saved it as a draft and was re-reading today.  I think it actually may be worth posting.

A few weekends ago, I attended a picnic and was talking to some folks there about my experience at the mall the previous day. I try not to go into the mall often...but I had an appointment at the Clinique counter at Boston Store for a "make over" and I was early. Can I come back in 20 minutes? Sure, might as well go to Rogers & Holland to see about replacing my watch battery. My watch happens to be a Movado so battery replacement is not a task the jewelry store can handle -- they must send it out. Which means a wait. And an expense. $65 to be exact for the battery. Well, since I'm going to be without it anyway what else can be done? High-polish for $90? Sure, might as well make the watch look new again.

And back to the Boston Store I head...my Clinique gal is still busy (it was the weekend of prom)...can I come back in about 15 minutes? Sure, might as well head to the shoe department. Where I proceed to buy 2 pair of shoes -- I did have the all-day shopping pass (20% off) but of course, it didn't work on the one pair of not inexpensive Coach sandals that fit and feel so great on my feet which could not be passed up. So, $350 worth of shoes later I head back to Clinique...where my gal is ready for me.

Of course, it being her last day at Clinique, I have to make a few purchases of my essentials and the new items she's tried on my face...which amounts to about $200 worth of product. Honestly, that's not an all-time high at the counter for me.

So all total, my shopping excursion for the day has cost roughly $700. It's only money, you can't take it with you but more importantly it's for a good cause -- ME.

Which is the statement I make at the picnic...which in turn, gets an immediate comment (from a man of course): "No wonder you're still single! It's because you're so high maintenance!" Which of course, makes all the other men around laugh. But makes me pause for a moment...and before I can even respond...my cousin pipes up with "She's not high maintenance -- she buys all these thing for herself and has never asked anyone to but things for her -- she is the least high-maintenance person I know". That made me smile. I then responded (after thanking my cousin) with: "As for high maintenance, I feel I'm special enough to be treated to nice things which I have the ability and means to purchase for myself...I've not found the man yet who understands that about anyone but himself. Men can treat themselves to their 'toys' - cars, motorcycles, etc. But women aren't allowed to treat themselves to their own 'toys' - shoes, clothes, spa days, etc. without being labeled 'high-maintenance'. I've not found a man yet who is 'man enough' to handle the fact that I make a decent living. Which means I can afford to buy my 'toys' or enjoy a $75 bottle of wine or tip extremely well or hire a lawn service. You find me a man who truly is secure enough with himself to be comfortable knowing the woman he's with makes more money than he does -- not just giving lip-service to saying it -- then maybe, just maybe..I'd consider being 'unsingle'."

That quieted the male crowed quite handily.

Drama

I am not a fan of drama.  I do not like to create drama.  I steer clear of drama as much as possible.  Lately, that's been a difficult thing as I navigate the road of life...I'm encountering drama at work, with family, in my own personal life.  To me, this is unacceptable.  Yet, how do I stop it?  I don't.  Which brings me to my control issues.  I like control.  I like having it.  I like being the person with control.  Drama to me, means no control.  When I have no control I get irritated.  When I get irritated, I raise my voice.  When I raise my voice, it creates drama.  Sigh.  It's a vicious circle that apparently I have the power to fix.  I am realizing that while I may dislike drama, there are times when I am the one to cause it -- because I've lost control.  Of me. 

The Power of Habit

I started reading a new book...The Power of Habit, Why We Do What We Do In Life and Business by Charles Duhigg.  I bought it with the hopes of discovering some light bulb moment for how I can change my own habits around eating, exercising, etc...all those things I don't do well but I'm working on improving.  It's an interesting read so far...mainly because I thought I could just CHANGE and it would become a habit...but I'm realizing as I read the book is very correct -- habits cannot be eradicated, instead they must be replaced.  And the Golden Rule of habit change:  If we keep the same cue and the same reward, a new routine can be inserted.  However, the piece I think I've been missing (and probably many others miss) in order for a habit to stay changed -- I must believe that change is possible.  Belief.  And most often, belief emerges with the help of a group.  So, I am on the road to weight loss by finding an alternative route...and I've committed to a group at work, Team Teal in our Biggest Loser challenge.  I'm not "dieting" -- I'm really eating WELL and as such, I'm eating less.  I'm not obsessing (as I typically do) and overextending myself with exercise but m incorporating exercise into my daily habit.  I get home from work, change my clothes, head to the gym...The reward of my workouts is the rush I feel at the accomplishment of running that mile, mile and a half, 2 miles...pushing my body to lift those weights and feeling the rush.  And I've got Team Teal to help me believe I can.  Together, we are changing habits and believing in ourselves.

Anticipation...

Wow, it's been a very long time. Very appropriate that my first post in 2 years is about anticipation.

Lately I have been experience a lot of anticipation...lots of discussion about anticipation and going through the emotion of anticipation. Webster's defines anticipation as "the act of looking forward; especially : pleasurable expectation" or "visualization of a future event or state"...in my situation either or both of those apply. Pleasurable expectation. I like that. Yes, I have have been in a "pleasurable expectation" state quite a bit in the last few weeks. And more to come...apparently, tax season means I have to visualize that future event or state that will bring me to a "pleasurable expectation". Heh. I even like saying that. Pleasurable. Expectation.

So while I wait, I am using this anticipatory period as a catalyst. A catalyst to induce change in myself. I am working out more. I am eating better. I am tracking what I am doing. I am getting healthy. Because I want that pleasurable expectation to live up to all the expectations I have...all that I am anticipating...and damn, it feels good to be here right now!